Sunday, July 28, 2013

WWE Total Divas Episode 1 Review

WWE Total Divas Episode 1 Review

Welcome to my review of Episode 1 of WWE Total Divas.

They introduced the Bella Twins to start the show. Nikki is loud, and they showed her smacking Brie in the butt. They said they are addicted to the drug that is WWE. They desrcibed WWE as "Broadway with bodyslams". They said they left the WWE for 11 months and people are mad they are back.
"Trinity is my sister from another mister." - Ariane
"That girl has a freakin' donk." - Ariane on Trinity

They said Naomi has a donk and they showed the rear view butt bump. They are calling Cameron "Ariane" here. They said there is a hierarchy of the divas and said there are rookies, midcarders and veterans.

They showed the twins practicing at NXT. Nikki said she was exhausted and that's why she left. They called the Dactyl's "Trinity and Ariane". Man this is gonna get confusing. They then showed "Jon" who is Jimmy Uso.

Ariane said she was fiesty and sassy while Naomi/Trinity has the experience. They showed Natalya training with Jim Neidhart and Bill Demott watching. Natalya was training with Charlotte of NXT, who is Ric Flair's daughter.

Bill told Natalya to smile more in-ring. They then showed John Cena with Nikki Bella. Cena has a nice house and they were fishing. They kissed in the rain, she said it was like "The Notebook".  Nikki talks like the main girl from Saved By the Bell: The New Class. More kissing with Nikki saying Cena is so sweet.

Next up was Daniel Bryan/Bryan Danielson, yes they said both names and Brie Bella. They said they have been together 2.5 years. Brie said she only shops at the farmer's market and they said Cena bought Nikki a Range Rover.
"He got you a Range Rover?" - Brie Bella
"I am shocked." - Brie Bella
"We're gonna be breaking that backseat in soon." - Nikki Bellar

They showed Kathy Bella, who is the twins mom and she is pretty fine as well.

"It is slighty odd from a man's perspective that he gave you a Range Rover before he gave you a ring." - Daniel Bryan

DB said it was odd that "he bought you a range rover before a ring".  Nat hugged Steph at 7 days before Wrestlemania.  They showed Natalya talking with Jane Geddes, who is the head of talent relations and Triple Hs #1. Jane said Nat is not on Wrestlemania and Nat cried.

Nat was happy that The Bella's got her WM spot when she taught them to wrestle and they just returned. She said they were throwing their weight around. Jane told Nat that Nat will chaperone the new recruits. Nat wasn't happy.

Kathy Bella is so far the highlight of this show. I should note that The Bella's aren't using their shoot names, which makes them the only ones.

They introduced Eva Marie and Jo Jo Offerman.  Jo Jo is really short and I don't think looks real good.  They showed them training with the girls and mentioned that Jo Jo is 19. Problem since WWE doesn't let people undner 21 on the road.

Brie and Nat hugged and Nat talked about the new girls, but wasn't happy. Neither was Brie. Jane told Eva to dye her hair blonde. Guess that didn't work. Eva said she is Mexican-Italian.
"Um, hello, Natalya's blonde. I'm right here, I'm right here." - Natalya

Nat joked that there was only room for one blonde. Nat said Eva can't have brown hair because of the Bella's but took exception since she is blonde, Picking nits here folks.

They showed Ariane hugging her boyfriend Vincent, who is white, average looking and bald. Ariane said they were together 7 months.

"No one talks to my woman like that, I don't care who you are." - Vince
"I woulda did it" - Jon Uso, on beating up Brodus Clay

Nat wasn't happy to be babysitting. They were at Wrestlemania and  Ariane said Brodus yelled to everyone, "You suck". Ariane cried, making the second cry in 20 mins. Vince said he was gonna beat up Brodus, playing Mr. Tough Guy. Nat said she calmed the situation.

Trinity said Vince shouldn't be in the back and needs to respect "boundaries" and she needs to have a talk with Ariane. I can't wait for the Ariane chants tommorow.
"People were saying you looked like me, so I definitely needed you to be blonde." - Nikki Bella
"I definitely think Eva Marie is trouble. I see it in her eyes, in that little grin she does." - Brie Bella

Nikki doesn't like WWE hiring girls who look like her.  Nikki thought Eva Marie was hot and said Jo Jo is like a little girl. Nikki said "I need you to be blonde". Eva said, "I definitely need to be blonde, we can't have that". Trin asked Ariane if they could go eat.

Trin asked Ariane about Vince/Brodus. Trin said Vince was wrong and he shouldn't have been backstage. Ari said he would have been a punk if he didn't do something. Ari said she's over it.

2 Days until Wrestlemania.

Eva Marie went to get her hair dyed.  Eva wasn't thrilled.  Eva had black hair when she was talking about this. Eva said she won't go blonde and is a "latin firecracker". She said she looks like The Lion King as a blonde. Jo Jo just smiled. I think that is her only role on this show.
"Oh my God, oh my goodness." - Jo Jo Offerman

Eva said she wants to be "Rhianna Red". She dyed her hair while Jo Jo looked shocked. She said "Eva Marie has finally come to life". Eva said she loves this look.

"I absolutely love my hair. This screams Eva Marie. This is heat, this is fire, this is me." - Eva Marie
"Hi, Jane." - Eva Marie (notice how far back Jo Jo is staying out of this)
"Wow, what happened to the blonde?" - Jane

Eva said she was nervous to see Jane. Jane said "Wow, what happened to the blonde?". Eva said "Eva Marie is all about attitude and looking really good, and I couldn't do the blonde". Jane said she liked it and said in the future "when we say something, we mean it. We know what we're doing".
"Nattie's the good kid, you know, let's have her work." - Natalya on her WM party host duties.
"Are there any secret rooms at MetLife Stadium, where we can like lock them in?" - Nikki Bella

Nikki didn't like the red hair. They were at a WM party. Nat was a host at this and didn't like it.  Steve Tisch, NY Giants owner, was at this. The Bella's asked if there was a secret room at MetLife Stadium that they could lock the new girls in. Steve said yes.

1 Day until Wrestlemania.

The Bella's were hungry. One of them said they were going ring shopping on Friday. Nikki was jealous, She said she didn't think John would marry her because he has already been married. She cried, for the 3rd cry of the show at 40 minutes in.
"Yo, yo, yo. What's up?" - Trinity
"You're all up in my kool-aid." - Ariane | "It's now my kool-aid too, because what happened, that affects me too." - Trinity

Trin said "yo,yo, yo" to Ari in the back. Trin said the Ari/Trin friendship was now "weird" because of Vince. They argued. Trin said it was "too much". Ari said this was her kool-aid and now it is Trin's kool-aid too. I have no idea what that means but to quote Mark Henry, "My heart don't pump kool-aid".
"You need a therapist." - Trinity to Ariane
Nikki and John were at dinner for a marriage discussion, These girls love to eat. John said he tried the marriage thing once.  John said marriage and family were difficult obstacles for him. He said he would never fish in the morning with anyone else. Bill Dance would be disappointed.

Nikki said she feels JC's love and needs to be patient.

Wrestlemania Day.

The Bella's were in underwear in the back.

30 minutes until the diva's match.

Nat met the rookies. They watched from a box They showed some of DB's match. Brie marked out for DB.  They celebrated the DB win.
"Looks like ya'll are gonna be going out naked." - A Bella
"Right now is really not the time, so I suggest that y'all keep pushin'." - Ariane
"Hello?" - Arianne
"Are you freakin' kiddin' me right now?" - Ariane

Ari/Trin were grilling the seamstresses about not having gear. The Bella's said they could go out naked while Ari freaked out and yelled at them. I thought that one was good.
"Two minutes, ladies." - Sandra, the WWE seamstress

Sandra the seamstress was hard at work while Trin freaked out. The costumes were done on time. They then cut to the back while Cena was entering. The girls didn't come out. Nat said she would investigate.

The girls said they got cut from Wrestlemania and Eva said, "Oh My God". Unfortunately, it wasn't in Joey Styles' voice.

The divas were all upset, saying Punk/Taker went overtime. Nikki said this sucked. Nat said things change all the time. Trin went to cry and did for cry #4. Ari consoled her. Trin was really down, saying she only has a couple of years left. Layla consoled them too.
"I'm gonna go get a drink or two, or three, or four." - Trinity
Trin decided to cure this sadness with alcohol.

"No wonder people are calling you fat on twitter" - A Bella | "LOL WHUT?" - Me

It appears that one of the Bella's has a tattoo on their butt

"What happened to my boob?" - Arianne

Clips for the future episodes showed a Bella getting drunk, and lots of shots of girls in little clothing. They talked about Ari getting implants and showed one of the implants floating in a pool.  We saw some clips of a failed Justin Gabriel/Jo Jo relationship and Tyson Kidd giving Natalya a noogie. Steph told Eva she embarrassed the company and Jon broke a glass.  they showed clips from a Superstars match with a shoot slap. Jo Jo got a concussion and Ari/Trin fought.

Overall thoughts: The backstage clips were cool but the company and all of the girls came off pretty badly here. I thought they rushed too many angles here and really gave away too much. The show was what it was and isn't really my type of show.

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